Next or Last

He loved her then
Like he loves her now
Hands so tight
Making it right
She loved him then
Like she loves him now
Sometimes with love
It never works
Sometimes love is just a leason
Hurting and growing
Making them ready for the next
They maybe good people
But bad for eachother
They loved eachother but it was never enough
They wanted more
They wanted the world
But it was never meant for them
Your next may not be your last
But may be a leason
To get ready for your last

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Approval

As a teen I would scream

As a teen I would want

As a teen all I wanted was

To be wanted

As a teen I wanted your approval

I could never find me well looking for that

I could never be the person I am meant to be

I could search and search for it

I could always be disappointed

I would never be enough

I could never be enough for you to be proud

I would never be half of the person you would want me to be

Finding that telling her to not want your approval

Only to find I was always after it to much that I lost half of me

Alone

This is my reality

I don’t know who I am

Or who I’m meant to be

There is a piece of me that is broken

A part of me that is hoping

Hoping I will find who I am one day

The more I get lost inside my mind

The more I feel alone

Alone surrounded by people

Alone wishing

Feeling like I am going through all this alone

With no guide and no hope

Maybe with time it will be enough but for now

I’ll just feel alone in a world full of people

Maybe

Maybe I loved him
Maybe I did
Maybe what I did
Would never be enough
Maybe its not meant to be
Maybe he loved me
Maybe he did
But it was never meant to be
Maybe I’m unlovable
Maybe I am
Maybe there is something better
Maybe not
Maybe I will see
Maybe I won’t
Tomorrow is neve clear
Todays always hazy
Maybe I will find my one
Maybe I won’t
All I know is
In the end, I will be okay

Before they end it

The lonely times

The up all nights

A heart that is longing

For a happy time

A time where she is accepted

A time where he is wanted

They talk about the lows

But what about the highs?

Before they end it all

The happiness before the end

All the loose ends being tied up

The calm before the storm that ends it all

In this world, a smile can be a lie

Or a smile can mean the end

The times before the end

They seem at peace

When they end it

The world of others

Falls down in pieces

Before they end it

Let them know you love them

Let them know you care

Before they end it

Let them know you are there

Hope

My soul is with you
My heart is too
Where the future is
I have no clue
All I know is there is us
I don’t know where we will be
Or who you are
The hope for forever is there
With you
One day we will met
But until then
I will see you soon
My future with me

Would it matter?

Ashamed of my past
Uncertain about my future
Sometimes I think
Would it matter?
Would it matter if I was gone?
Would it matter that I gave up the fight?
What goes on inside my head no one knows
Would it matter I only lived for them?
Would it matter if life got sorted?
Sometimes it will never matter
Sometimes it might
The fight that goes on inside
It fights with all its might
It probably wouldn’t matter
Who knows maybe it will one day

Me

The voices in my mind

The voices that tell me what’s wrong

The tell me what deserve and what I can’t have

I expect hate when

I crave love

I expect rejection

I want approval

I expect self-hate

I need self-love

I expect hurt

I long for peace

The pain, the love is one in the same

I long to be someone I’m not

I long to be perfect

No one wants a broken person

With parts as sharp as glass

But if no one wants me

That is ok

My BPD mind takes over like a nightmare

A nightmare that I want off

A story of a girl

This is a story of a girl, who never felt enough. She always felt down and left out. A family that consisted of a mother that left her at the age of 3, a grandfather that would put her down, a grandmother that was there but not at the same time, an aunt that the girl would always fight her and 3 cousins that would put down the grandmother.

 

From a young age she felt it, she felt the difference. She felt like they never wanted her so she would act up, one time she ran away and the cops were called and another time she would steal money. No one ever asked her why no one seemed to care why would they. At the age 11, she met one of her bad influence friends who was 13 at the time the girl had her first smoke then, she was innocent when she complimented her friend’s sister. The friend didn’t see it that way so she pulled a knife, the girl was scared but nothing more happened.

Little stuff like that would go on until the girl was 13 when they moved to a small city. She got so low, she wanted it to all end at the age of 13 she didn’t feel like she had anyone to talk to, by the age of 15 she was drinking and smoking a lot. She stopped caring when she moved to this town was the last straw she wanted it to end, her life and all the day she turned 15 she was with some friends drinking. She found a craft knife and wanted to die she didn’t care, her male friend stopped her and they drunk some more. He saved her that day and she knew it.

A few months after that she got into her first serious relationship, things picked up a bit but she would still self-harm and tried to OD. She would drink with him and do drugs, it wasn’t too bad of a relationship until she heard he cheated on her. They had a fight and she broke up with him, he wanted her back but they fought one time he held her against a wall so she fought back and that was them done. He ended up telling her aunt that he should have been with her and not the girl.

The next one she was with was worse, it started off sweet and normal. It would get around to he being hit, raped and emotionally abused. He would have full control over her for about 2 years, She would feel like she deserved it. Like what he was doing to her was ok, words still burned into her soul with her past proving he may have been right that no one would love her but not just after him but before him as well. She took it for the time she was with him the marks he would leave on her, the lies about her black eyes that none of her family noticed. Did they even care? After a while, she would have enough and somehow leave him. She still doesn’t know how that happened but she left at 18.

Though all of this you were probably wondering what happened to her mother, she was in her life over the phone until she was 15. But that didn’t start until she was 6ish so she was without her, at the age of 15 she met her and her partner who was a creep. Sure they had some fun times, her mother’s partner would have a fight that caused the girl to have an anxiety attack the girls mother tried to help her and calm her down that worked until the girls partner came in and put her arm around both of them all the girl could do is say no frozen by a touch she didn’t want, her grandparents to leave and stay at a motel. The girl stayed with her mother and it went ok until they went to see her grandparents keep in mind she was 15, she wore her favourite top and her mother’s partner looked down at her boobs she was confused at why and more why she left him to do it. some years went on they didn’t talk for a while but did for a few months well she was 19 until they got into a fight about the girl not being a child when her mother called her that. By the time she was 22 the mother started to come back in but the girl didn’t want to see her, they talked on and off until the girl was 25 in all this time she was still with her partner but lying about it to the girl he was abusive and the girl would tell her to get out of it. By the time she was 25 the girl had had enough with it all the mother would go on about how she was abused she would go on about how she spent so long with him when the girl would tell her to leave and how she felt scared even after everything of her getting killed by him, she got her mental health files where it has written down that under the age of 3 that the mother wanted to touch her in the wrong way. When the girl found out she cut ties with her and made it known that the mother will never go near any kids the girl may ever have. She lost her then the girl will never go back.

Back to after the girl left the boyfriend before, the girl was 18 she would still self-harm because she felt like she deserved the pain, she felt better but worse after it. She met another boy and was with him for a month he wasn’t too bad but she would still self-harm. A few months later she would meet another boy but online that she would be with for 9 months, she moved to be with him. She had been with him for a little bit when they moved down to another city where things would get worse, she would get accused of cheating on him for 2 weeks so she did and dumped him because in her mind he wouldn’t want her back but he did and she didn’t go back. She got with the person she slept with before breaking up with him and got pregnant with him. Where the dude that was with her found out and said it wasn’t his, but the girl knew it wasn’t his they hadn’t done anything since before he started accusing her.

So the girl was with this new dude when she talked to someone who knew the guy she was with for 9 months. The person who she talked to told her that the dude she left cheated on her with her and to make it worse the girl was like 13, the girl felt sick knowing she was with someone like that. But she went on with her life and was starting to make a family of her own or so she thought it went fine until after the child was born and the girl wouldn’t have sex without protection, so she got some. The girl would have some gallbladder problems for a week until at the end of it she had to go to the hospital to get it removed after that he left them.

She ended up moving to another city with her child and meet another person on who lied about his age he was double hers but she didn’t know that until she moved to be with her aunt and her partner, she was with him for a few months before she found out. Well she was staying with him he would call another person and flirt with them on a call them babe, she found out he was cheating on her.

A year after that she was 23 she met this guy who had just got out of jail, he was ok to start with until he started yelling at her child when he did that she would stand up for her child and making threats to her, it came out he had relationships with two other people well with her when they broke up she kept living with his mum, he started seeing his ex and getting along with the girl. They had some arguments but that was to be expected, there was a point in time when he was with his ex and his ex was chatting up other guys, he started going around yelling at her calling her a slut. The girl tried to get him out of the house he knocked her out, hitting her in the head giving her a black eye, hitting her in the chest then hitting her in the head again. It was like he was going to take her to the kitchen to do what he said when they had a fight that the next time he goes to jail it was going to be for murder. He got locked up.

The next relationship after that was with her ex’s cousin he was a tool it turned out when the girl wasn’t around that they would abuse her child, the people who did see it never spoke up. When she lost her child for the abuse they put her threw she tried to OD again her life was gone but safe, she started going down self-harming more she didn’t care. She had lost her reason for being.

After that relationship was over she was single for 3 years, she was still at rock bottom, she lost one of her friends that said she would be there forever, that friend meant the world to the girl and still does. Even tho they would fight they came back together, the girl loved her with all she was. In the time of being, she would do stuff she regretted.

So now here we are at the age 26 the girl had the first relationship in 3 years he wasn’t all bad but he wanted them a secret, when she would be upset he would just shut it off and tell her he didn’t want to deal with it because it had been a long day or he had a headache it got to the point where she was done. He would go on about how he would work and she didn’t, he never cared about her love for writing and tried to change her whether it would be piercings that she wanted to get and he didn’t like. He would try and turn it around on her saying he would allow her to get one of them, this girl had enough at this point and told him what she was getting because he wasn’t paying for it he had no say, after that she didn’t stay with him for long, she brought up how she wanted to be public and was tired of being hidden for 8 months but still he didn’t want to so it ended there and has been ended since.

There is a reason behind all this threw it all she had met amazing people some of her best friends in the past year nearly two, one of them had been there for her for over a year and will always be her soul sister, another one inspired her to write this blog he is her best friend there are two other people who have been there for her no matter what they are also her best friends. There is always going to be hope and everything after the dark for what we go through do not make us down and out forever but it can make us stronger. The girl in the story is me, parts of it are hard to handle but my story isn’t overĀ  there will be times I mess up and want to slip up but there will be times when I look at the people in my life and see that even though I had shit these are my people and I will be theirs forever, I owe them my life since they saved it more than once without knowing. To the people I brought up, I hope you know who you are and I hope that you know I will always love you and be here for you.

We write our endings, we choose to fight. But to the people going through a hard time remember as hard as it may be you are not alone and you will never be alone. For the people who know people who are going through a hard time reach out and let them know you care before its too late, you never know when something like this will save a life. Treat people how you wanted to be treated, you are rich in what you have in your soul not what you have around you. Always keep fighting and remember you are not alone. There are helplines that you can call

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